Multipurpose apology

Everybody makes mistakes - except us, of course! So it's good to be prepared for anything that can go wrong. If you are forced to admit a mistake, here's a useful apology form. Simply tick the appropriate items, cross your fingers, and send off the form. No more problems! Use this chance to apologize for everything you've ever done, without even crawling on the floor!

I/we regret that...
(tick situations that apply)

We can’t do what you asked for.
We’ve done it late / are late in returning it.
We’ve done it wrong (in fact, it’s riddlde with mistaeks(.

This situation has occurred because...
(tick all excuses that apply)

Pluto and Mars are in opposition at the moment, and scientists have established that Pisceans don’t function well in these circumstances.
Entropy: the world is gradually dissolving into chaos, and this has been a tiny part of that process.
A millipede penetrated the operating system, and changed all the 0s to 8s.
Dromes intercepted the signal and turned it back to front to back it turned and signal the intercepted Dromes.
Excuse number F10349 applies – see the manual.
Sorry, can’t find the manual. Excuse number 000000000042 applies.
The jobs we do for you are, frankly, pretty boring, so they go straight to the bottom of the heap.
I/we were using a solar calculator, and a cloud came over. That's why all the figures are wrong.
Dung beetles sucked all the juice out of the floppy disk.
May I/we remind you that you pay very little for this service, anyway. You have received your money's worth.
The information you requested has escaped. The sewer police have been notified.
Everybody around here has been retrenched, outplaced, dysfunctioned, recirculated, outweeded, and/or mislaid.
We warned you: "Research can be cheap, fast, and accurate - pick any two." Looks like you picked the wrong two.

Additional excuses
(to be used sparingly - only when all else fails)

Harry’s uncle Charlie died, so her neighbour’s cousin Bertie fled to Tuvalu with Dicky.
I/we are fed up with you treating us like dirt, and this is the beginning of our revenge. Just get ready for next time!
The fax machine swallowed its own paper, and sucked itself into a Moebius loop.
An unprecedented combination of circumstances occurred, the probability of which was significantly less than 0.000000000 0000000000000000001
This is one of the small prices we must pay for the worldwide defeat of Communism.
I/we wish to point out that Einstein came bottom in his maths class, too.
Our attempt at sending an email failed when the computer decided it was a washing machine, and spun itself dry.
You wouldn’t believe it if I/we told you, so I/we shan’t.
I must have missed your key point when my mobile phone started playing Beethoven's Ninth, and the dog decided to sing along.
There was never going to be a page 3, so what are you on about?
As any statistician will confirm: "Statistics means never having to say you're certain."
Stop complaining. Others are worse off than you – e.g. in Rwanda, Afghanistan, Ethiopia...
The cat attacked it, at a crucial moment, and dragged it all over the kitchen.
The baby scribbled all over it, ripped it up, then vomited on it.
I/we ran out of .....................
Nitimur in vetitum semper, cupimusque negata. And we sympathize with Ovid.
Honestly, what do you expect, on a fine day, so near the end of the football season?
It’s impossible to program that into the system. Anybody who has done so must have cheated.
This is confirmed by multitudinous verses in the Old Testament.
It’s not late at all, but 11 months early. You’re living in the wrong year.
Hypoentelechy created excessive ontogeny
To put it in layman’s terms: the no.2 veeblefetzer phostepharbelized a klembogordial J2XJ in the netragrednik.
Oops! The little old lady who knitted our computer must have run out of mauve wire.
The original report deconstructed its internal contradictionary.
Look, we’re fed up with thinking up excuses, so just fill in here the last one you gave US
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The Pope, Fidel Castro, and Gertrude Stein's ghost all agree with us, so it’s no use making an appeal.
The results were so scandalous that we sold them to a tabloid magazine, whose lawyers insisted on sole rights.
We were having a lot of fun down here, till you came along with your dumb request.
A fleabrain-sized meteorite penetrated the building, obliterating a vital digit.
We were going to add "it won’t happen again" - but it probably will, so we won’t.